Behaviour change is the natural result of feeling understood
WHY KIDS GET UPSET: Many of the problems we have with adolescents are because we do not like what they are doing or thinking, because we are trying to correct them or force them into something we would like them to do/be, or because we are simply not listening.
ACCIDENTALLY INCREASING DISTRESS IN KIDS: When a person doesn’t feel understood, he/she can get very frustrated and emotionally distressed. Imagine you were afraid of heights and trying to explain why you didn’t want to stand on the secure roof top of a ten story building and all you were getting was ‘stop being silly, it’s just a space of concrete’. You would start to become very distressed. If instead you received something more validating ‘it would be really scary to step onto a roof top when you are terrified of heights’ you’d find that you’d more likely consider actually trying it. You would also notice that you are not as distressed because the other person has communicated that he/she understands your fear.
WHAT IS VALIDATION: Validation means to make valid. In communication, validation techniques are the art of letting someone know you hear them and that their thoughts and feelings are valid for them – even if you don’t think they are right. You are helping the person trust in her own beliefs and you are validating her feelings – not her behaviour.
HOW DO I VALIDATE? The secret is to try to understand what it would like to be the other person. You want to understand why they are feeling the way they are given their circumstances. It almost means trying to step out of your body and into the other person’s body. Once you work out where you think the other person is coming from, convey it ‘I totally understand why you’d be devastated he broke up with you, you didn’t even know there was a problem’ (even if you believe she is way too young for a boyfriend, that it shouldn’t result in grief given how fleeting it was, and you didn’t like him anyway) rather than ‘he was no good for you anyway’.
PARTY EXAMPLE: If your daughter wants to go to a party you don’t want her to go to she might say ‘all the other kids are allowed to go. Their parents let them’. This then either makes you mad, or may make you feel like conceding. Perhaps you reply with ‘I don’t care what the other parents are doing’. This conveys your message but leaves your daughter very frustrated and feeling misunderstood. A validating response like, ‘it would be disappointing to not get to go to a party that it seems everyone else is going to. I know you just want to be included and to have fun’ shows that you understand but doesn’t mean you have to back away from your decision.
TOO MUCH TECHNOLOGY EXAMPLE: Your daughter is always on the ipad or texting on her phone and you want her to spend more time with the family. You tell her to get off technology and get told ‘no’. You might say ‘you are always on your ipad’ which enrages your daughter. A validating reply might be ‘I can imagine it would be hard to turn the ipad off when that is how all your friends communicate. You probably worry that if you are not on it, you might miss something’. You don’t need to change your rules necessarily, but conveying that you understand can make a big difference to your daughter’s emotions and to your relationship.
About the author:
Dr Julie King is a clinical psychologist who offers psychological services. Her doctorate examined the experience of intellectual giftedness as asynchrony. She has worked with the development of youth and antidepressant protocols in general practice. With a passion for increasing resiliency and coping in young people, Julie is intensively trained in DBT for Borderline Personality Disorder.
Julie works with Anxiety & Phobias, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Mental illness, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Panic Disorder, Personality disorders , Relaxation, Stress management, Weight management, Eating Disorders, Bullying, Self-harm, Suicide, Assertiveness training, Behaviour problems, Self-esteem & self development, Divorce/separation, Parenting and Relationships.
Julie is an experienced public speaker who has delivered training to mental health practitioners nationwide. Her training workshops have included Advanced Strategies in DBT, Skills Training in DBT, Individual Psychotherapy in DBT, Basic Counselling Skills, CBT, and Suicide Prevention in Schools.
Julie is on the Executive Team of The Australian DBT Institute. You can access that information at http://dbt.cmhe.org/
Julie has presented at conferences including: King, J. (2002). The frequency and impact of client suicide on Australian clinical psychologists. Paper presentation at the 9th Suicidal Prevention Australia National Conference, Sydney NSW.
Julie has recently published: Andronaco (King), J.A., Shute, R & McLachlan, A. (2014). Exploring asynchrony as a theoretical framework for understanding giftedness: A case of cognitive dissonance? Roeper Review
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